Discovery

I wanted to see the world,
Colours so I unfurled -
Set sails to
Edge of the world.

Polestar showed the light,
I knew I'll be alright!
Drifting in
Thunders and storms.

Discovery -
Starfire kept burning my heart.

Wildfires and beast,
Volcanoes of the East,
Arctic's freezing meat,
Sahara's burning heat.
Living the American dream,
Himalayan hot water springs:
Pacific fire and  rings,
Dream come true as it seems.

Starfire kept burning my heart.

It was a summer night -
I saw a ray of light,
A star shot -
right across the sky.

Lying beneath the stars:
In a galaxy so far,
Holding your
palm in my hand.

Discovery -
Starfire kept burning my heart.

Copernicus's haul,
Galileo said it all,
Sun is all just a ball!
Church fathers made them crawl.

Armstrong strong man Neil -
Set his foots on the hill,
A small step might have it been:
A giant leap in real!

Starfire kept burning my heart!

I wanna drift it off -
Counting down to lift off,
Do you care
To join me?

Adventure of lifetime -
With me will you climb?
My world is-
all about you.

Looking in those eyes,
I may finally find,
Flaws all left behind -
Peace In my mind.
Starfire keep burning my heart!

The Grey code

A few posts ago I spoke of a single point in the timeline that leads to infinite number of possibilities, well here I am to the future- something that I never dreamt of but  very real in it's existence. There was a time when I used to map my future but things never happen the way you want it and as Steve Jobs says, "You can't join the lines forward! You can only trace them backwards, go on working and hope that someday the lines meet." Well, as of now, this period of life is the rock bottom- the deepest, darkest abyss I could even have been in a way my Mustafar. Clearly the light have failed me. The Order have failed me. But then I never liked the Order's adherence to code and emotional neutrality. I failed to potray who I was and what was my importance in the Galaxy. I had failed myself. Initially a sense of guilt, despair and anger rose within. But now as time passed by, I don't feel anything anymore, not even the pain of it! Its just the hollow space inside that eats me up(at times). Much like any other Sith lord of his age the these moments of failures propelled my passion. For the time being I embraced the Sith for like others I don't fear the dark side. I corrupted my Kyber crystal with the Dark side bleeding it to become Blood red. I know it's true power but I could never do anything to have what I want no matter how much blphilosophyt might take. My consciousness never lost it's way into the sucking cyclone of passion, anger and hatred to perform every means possible to gain victory. I was never driven insane by the Dark side like others.The path forward is not easy and there is nobody by my side. Silly how people who stay there for your best times leave when you fall to the Dark side. But then as Lord Vader says, "You are all that you have now."The dilemma of the Dark and Light continued until one day my Kyber crystal got overloaded with the force and turned white and I realised it is wrong to binarily identify force sensitives for once in a while there comes a one who has the strength to use both te Light and the Dark side but not getting tempted to join any side and work by balancing both the sides. I am neither a Sith nor a Jedi. I give equal homage to Vader and Yoda. I belong  somewhere in between.

**P.S : Sorry people too much Star wars reference but couldn't help it. I really found their philosophy helpful. Hope things will sort out real soon.Until then Ironstark out.

Last Rat Standing: Retrospection, trust issues and a couple of realizations

Well people its been long and I haven't kept in touch. My sincerest apologies for that. Its not that life has become so subtle and mundane that I didn't have anything to say anymore. Its a clean slate. Its the end of a path I started us on. A single point in the time line leads to infinite possibilities and as I stand in this boulevard of possibilities I strive to realize those endless imaginations in my head a reality because that's all I can do- Think.

As much as I can see In brief my head ache got over(Thank God), then someone fell in love with me, I fell in love with someone else and the cycle continues. I didn't write about them because those aren't that important. Whats important is I found what I had been looking for. The source of my troubles. Winter has fallen and as I wrap my blankets around my legs to get relief from it, throwing my big fat Chemistry book away. So where was I? Yes, realizations; So it occurred to me. Its not love that I wanted. Its trust. All of this time I had been thinking that its love that I need but I was wrong. I trust a number of people around me but none of those have the same amount of trust for me. My once best friend tries to ignore me. Yes off course it was my fault I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most.I was too busy fooling around. My other people around me too have the same feeling. Sometimes you want yourself get something special. There is a reason why I feel sad when I see my best friend speaking to his better half . Its surely not jealousy. Its because in me a voice says why doesn't people trust me like that? What is wrong with me? Sometimes you know all you need is a helping hand in the darkness, a shoulder for support- one who would be there without getting offended or disturbed by my constant nagging, panic attacks, stressed out states and negativities. Sometimes all you need is the affirmation that someone is with you no matter what happen. Even my friends don't trust me with their secrets. I am pretty much like the floating guy in the group who comes to know about everything after everything gets over. My parents aren't happy with me. Don't get me wrong they are the best parents I could have ever got in my life but my constant failures in life has pushed down their morals and no matter how much they smile in front of me I always can see the sense of insecurity and stress they feel of me. But I can't do anything the push button it has gone missing.Trust is an important thing for me in life. I hate my ex not because she left me but for the fact that she broke my trust. I trusted her with all my life and yes even now still guard every secret that she had ever said to me even after receiving a pretty much burning text from her. What I need is someone whom I can trust without thinking that he or she might be offended, someone who can withstand the real me and someone who can trust me at the same extent. I would rather have a real "I trust you" than "I love you".

You see now I have an exact vision of my needs and it is not blurred out by dilemmas of the past. I realize that the source of happiness is me and if I give someone else the key to it they both have the right to fill me with happiness as well as make me starve for it. Distractions is how I like to put it.

Sometimes it feels like am I really alone in this world. Sometimes it feels like I don't belong to this world, this timeline. While the whole world muses on Alan Walker and J Lo(off course I love them too but) for me Kishore and Manna Dey still has the upper hand. While the world runs for 50 Shades of Grey for me Bibhutibhushon is my favorite pass time. While the world watches GOT I still love watching Big Bang theory and want a love life like Leonard and Penny. In a time when people can go on talking(nonsense) all day, I hate small talks and most of the time words doesn't even come out at the right place and time. But in my head there the topics ranges from Simulation hypothesis to How the Avengers Infinity wars pave way for future marvel films to free sustainable sources of energy to wtf people talk about with each other throughout the day to to things to speak with a certain person when I meet again!

I wanna end up in Tibet someday gonna leave everything and settle down there. Peaceful pollution free environment in the heart of nature away from Human Civilization. I would like a house up on the Canadian Rockies probably in British Columbia. It would be away from human habitat surrounded by pine forests by side of river Fraser. I am not thinking of becoming Lumberjack though! It can also be a villa in Miami opening up into a lonely beach with no tourists. Just me and sea. A remote village in England (on the banks of Ouse ) or Germany(on the banks of Elbe) can also be taken into account since many of these places truly reveals the seductiveness of nature. One thing is common in all a river or a sea shore is a must and that is the reason why I checked out Switzerland from the list. But then you know life had never been this good. Yes I agree I still have problems(like the trust issues I mentioned earlier) but still I am in a hell lot better state that I was once a year ago. Mental peace matters a lot to me. With it I can conquer the world but without it I am nothing.

We create our own demons and it is upto us to stop them. But they I say,"Why stop there?". There are people who say uncharted and reckless progress is dangerous but I bet none of those Idiots had to live their life with a feeling that they were better of being dead because they aren't use of anything or anyone in the world: a perfect good for nothing and that suicide might be the only way out of this "Daavy Jone's Locker". You see you always get to start up everthing with a clean slate no matter how much messed up you might be. Its all that you have to see what's left for you to take and use it for your own betterment. You might say that sometimes that not possible but mind you my friend, Tony Stark built an Arc Reactor in a cave. Now I have the best sleep I'd had in years. So if I were to wrap this up tight with a tie or bow or whatever. I guess I would say that the time back then, my dillemmas and all the insecurities they were never a distractions or actions to gain sympathy. They were just a cocoon and here I come: The last rat standing.




P.S :One final realization: CBSE has destroyed my writing skills. :-(

Well pre-boards have started and I guess I won't be writing for the next few months now. Still I will try to catch up.

The Last Leaf

Sinking deep down

The sun across the horizon-

Left sky with a scarlet tinge,

And the soul with a sudden flinch!

Those puffy cotton balls across the sky?

Peaceful they may be;

Soothing to the eye-

Yet deep down so much left unsaid!

As the Emerald of the leaves fade-

Withering into brown and red.

As winter blows her icy breathe,

All across the night-

They fall- the leaves,

Leaving the branches bare!

The heart gets  hard to heave

Yet no one grieves!

The midnight moon glanced down,

Something different had it sensed,

Everyone knew-

Fall was never hard for the ivy vine!

It knew it would be fine.

Just a spring’s kiss -

And it will be back in bliss

Lush, leafy and viridian!

Yet it saw one leaf tried to stay,

The leaf had clutched hard all over the day.

At night a cold wind blew-

Unwanted by the ivy,

And with no Behrman to paint,

The last leaf flew-

Away!

Chaotic mind..

Have you ever felt that your mind isn't your mind at all? Like someone has put you out of it and placed weird stuffs in it. Yeah.. I am feeling just this right at this moment sitting in my chair. I don't know what this is. Its kinda weird you know because this feeling is filled with contrasting emotions. I don't feel the love that I once had for this world and for those individuals who mattered a hell lot to me yet I don't hate them. Its like I have reached a point in my life where I don't feel things anymore. Its like if people love me? That's great but if they don't I don't cry around screaming why on earth they don't love me, if that is what they want then that's okay. I once talked volumes with people whom I loved and now I don't even want to talk. All that I am doing is lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling thinking what the hell happened to me. People saying ill about me? Great!!! People have mouths and this is a democratic country. People praising me? Well I am not amazed. I am failing in my school exams for the first time and shit doesn't amaze me. Trust me I am not the one I was two months ago and I don't know when such a metamorphosis happened to me. I don't even know myself now I don't know what I want and what I don't. Yeah I am forcing myself to study now because I don't want to fail in the final semester you know. All that I look forward to is that part of the day when the sun has just set down. It won't be dark yet but you won't be able to see the sun in the horizons. It has set long ago. Puffy grey clouds with darker blue background. The moon can't be seen nor the stars. I just sit in the rooftop and look as far as my eyes can look. But the saddest part of the story is this doesn't even last five minutes and even before I know night closes down on me. I see the moon lightening up the entire roof. A movie or a book, a play list with a mixed genre, along with some hilarious YouTube videos tries to make me feel alright but they are not. Things are not alright. No matter how much someone assures me. Until now, I was seeing all my doors are closed and I banged them just hoping someone on the other side would open it. Now I see all the doors are open but I don't have the faith in me left behind to put me up on my feet to choose a road. I stand in this boulevard of broken dreams-a meeting point of all the futures which I once dreamt for me in my life but which I would never see coming true cause I am not moving. I am not taking a choice. I am too broken up for that(don't ask me how I broke. I myself do not have an idea about that one). And so in this Switch Case of life(a Java programmer might understand better) since I am not taking a decision life would throw me into the Default case with a future where my dreams are shattered, heart is broken and I would find myself running for jobs here and there and even if I get one it won't meet up to my family's demands and I would live my life thinking about what ifs and die one day. But that's not what I dreamt of you know. But I don't know how to get out of this.

Utter Confusion

At times you just have to push hard through things. Minds gonna play bitter tricks with you. It will push you and you will be pushed, you will see only what it wants you to see and feel only what it wants you to feel.  But then a time will come when you are confused with your life. You don't know what will be the best for you. You see a boulevard in front of you. Each one leads to an parallel reality. You have to choose any one of the them. But you don't even know which path is the best for you because all the paths seem to achieve any one of the many things that you want in life. A time comes when your back faces the wall, you would have nowhere to go but  the illusions and doubts of minds chocks you down. You have just two choices either fight or succumb to those feelings. Unless you push hard the reality won't surpass the intensity of illusions and reach your eyes. That is the time we realize what and what not is right. Well I must confess I have been impatient. Things didn't make any sense at all. It is like examining an unknown organism. You know exactly what and what not the characteristics should be and then one fine morning you see something anomalous, sometime that is in complete contrast to what you had observed and formulated. But then there can be errors, personal errors, errors in instrument this and that. You scratch your head tear your hairs in despair but you don't understand what went wrong. You feel that it is better to be dead than to live as a failure. You then either give up the research and never come back or you take up something new, something easier. But then I realized that I had a promise to myself, that I won't produce a ripple. I would just sit tight and watch life flow no matter what happens. But I had almost given up and picked up a big chunk of stone to throw into the river. But then reality hit me. It is not my work to understand what is happening around me. My work is to do what I should do and once I am committed to it there is no looking back. You see that underwater cave I was swimming into hoping to find an exit to the surface, it happened like I couldn't swim anymore and my hands had started to ache. So I knew I will die but I stopped my hands. I was drowning down deep into to abyss. But then I realized I have been told to hope for the best. So no matter how hard it hurts I should at least try. I don't want to burn in the inferno thinking that I could have made it. It like the two faces of  the coin. If you love carving of an angel in one face you need to accept if not love the devil on the other. This is called Dualism. Everything in nature exists in pairs, everything we see they all have an contrasting counterpart. Different religions has their own dualism in Chinese they call these two contrasting life forces as Yin and Yang, in Hinduism it is Jara and Jiva that is death or living, Zoroastrianism says about Ahura Mazda(Spirit of light) opposed by Angara Mainyu(Destructive spirit), Christianity has God and Devil. So we need to find the right path. No I haven't found the way yet. The right path yet but as I said in one of my older posts that God is with me and when we are down he will always give us some hint to rise up on our feet, it is up to us that if we have got that eyes to spot the hint or not. I hope to find the way.

A midsummer night's dream

Down the horizon the sun sets-

A crimson tint sets on my azure surface,

Watching birds return to their nests

Ruins my modest try to get some ease.
Crimson changes to Lilac-
A hot dry dusty wind blows down-
Until it is all pitch black
Up above alone on my own.
Over the pastures I seldom hear a voice-

Some stranger who has lost his road,

Mostly the familiar hoots or cries
Often the croaking toad!
The stars shine as a jewel on me-

With the pearly moon at its center piece

Puffy clouds tickling give a sense of spree-

But deep inside me is the melting ice.

Which winter once had left behind.

As the darkness spreads around,
Memories comes up in my mind-
Eyes becoming stale of seeing the same-
Disease, greed, death and pain
Moonlight floods the place. There under the tree he lay-

A young boy murdered For some bitter truths.

A girl coffined under another!

Only mistake did she ever was being beautiful-

Another hanged herself from ceiling
Unable to bear humiliation!

Under the city lights-
I hear another boasting
On how shrewd he had been!
Being able to loot his father's property-
Someone else’s words were about

Rejection avenged by acid.

Blood, liquor, lust and money -
Flows open in the streets all night.
Losing all hopes I close my eyes-

I Wake up, lying on my bed,

I see the sun rise. It is dawn -

I understand it was nothing 
But just a midsummer night's dream!