Chaotic mind..

Have you ever felt that your mind isn't your mind at all? Like someone has put you out of it and placed weird stuffs in it. Yeah.. I am feeling just this right at this moment sitting in my chair. I don't know what this is. Its kinda weird you know because this feeling is filled with contrasting emotions. I don't feel the love that I once had for this world and for those individuals who mattered a hell lot to me yet I don't hate them. Its like I have reached a point in my life where I don't feel things anymore. Its like if people love me? That's great but if they don't I don't cry around screaming why on earth they don't love me, if that is what they want then that's okay. I once talked volumes with people whom I loved and now I don't even want to talk. All that I am doing is lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling thinking what the hell happened to me. People saying ill about me? Great!!! People have mouths and this is a democratic country. People praising me? Well I am not amazed. I am failing in my school exams for the first time and shit doesn't amaze me. Trust me I am not the one I was two months ago and I don't know when such a metamorphosis happened to me. I don't even know myself now I don't know what I want and what I don't. Yeah I am forcing myself to study now because I don't want to fail in the final semester you know. All that I look forward to is that part of the day when the sun has just set down. It won't be dark yet but you won't be able to see the sun in the horizons. It has set long ago. Puffy grey clouds with darker blue background. The moon can't be seen nor the stars. I just sit in the rooftop and look as far as my eyes can look. But the saddest part of the story is this doesn't even last five minutes and even before I know night closes down on me. I see the moon lightening up the entire roof. A movie or a book, a play list with a mixed genre, along with some hilarious YouTube videos tries to make me feel alright but they are not. Things are not alright. No matter how much someone assures me. Until now, I was seeing all my doors are closed and I banged them just hoping someone on the other side would open it. Now I see all the doors are open but I don't have the faith in me left behind to put me up on my feet to choose a road. I stand in this boulevard of broken dreams-a meeting point of all the futures which I once dreamt for me in my life but which I would never see coming true cause I am not moving. I am not taking a choice. I am too broken up for that(don't ask me how I broke. I myself do not have an idea about that one). And so in this Switch Case of life(a Java programmer might understand better) since I am not taking a decision life would throw me into the Default case with a future where my dreams are shattered, heart is broken and I would find myself running for jobs here and there and even if I get one it won't meet up to my family's demands and I would live my life thinking about what ifs and die one day. But that's not what I dreamt of you know. But I don't know how to get out of this.