Well people its been long and I haven't kept in touch. My sincerest apologies for that. Its not that life has become so subtle and mundane that I didn't have anything to say anymore. Its a clean slate. Its the end of a path I started us on. A single point in the time line leads to infinite possibilities and as I stand in this boulevard of possibilities I strive to realize those endless imaginations in my head a reality because that's all I can do- Think.
As much as I can see In brief my head ache got over(Thank God), then someone fell in love with me, I fell in love with someone else and the cycle continues. I didn't write about them because those aren't that important. Whats important is I found what I had been looking for. The source of my troubles. Winter has fallen and as I wrap my blankets around my legs to get relief from it, throwing my big fat Chemistry book away. So where was I? Yes, realizations; So it occurred to me. Its not love that I wanted. Its trust. All of this time I had been thinking that its love that I need but I was wrong. I trust a number of people around me but none of those have the same amount of trust for me. My once best friend tries to ignore me. Yes off course it was my fault I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most.I was too busy fooling around. My other people around me too have the same feeling. Sometimes you want yourself get something special. There is a reason why I feel sad when I see my best friend speaking to his better half . Its surely not jealousy. Its because in me a voice says why doesn't people trust me like that? What is wrong with me? Sometimes you know all you need is a helping hand in the darkness, a shoulder for support- one who would be there without getting offended or disturbed by my constant nagging, panic attacks, stressed out states and negativities. Sometimes all you need is the affirmation that someone is with you no matter what happen. Even my friends don't trust me with their secrets. I am pretty much like the floating guy in the group who comes to know about everything after everything gets over. My parents aren't happy with me. Don't get me wrong they are the best parents I could have ever got in my life but my constant failures in life has pushed down their morals and no matter how much they smile in front of me I always can see the sense of insecurity and stress they feel of me. But I can't do anything the push button it has gone missing.Trust is an important thing for me in life. I hate my ex not because she left me but for the fact that she broke my trust. I trusted her with all my life and yes even now still guard every secret that she had ever said to me even after receiving a pretty much burning text from her. What I need is someone whom I can trust without thinking that he or she might be offended, someone who can withstand the real me and someone who can trust me at the same extent. I would rather have a real "I trust you" than "I love you".
You see now I have an exact vision of my needs and it is not blurred out by dilemmas of the past. I realize that the source of happiness is me and if I give someone else the key to it they both have the right to fill me with happiness as well as make me starve for it. Distractions is how I like to put it.
Sometimes it feels like am I really alone in this world. Sometimes it feels like I don't belong to this world, this timeline. While the whole world muses on Alan Walker and J Lo(off course I love them too but) for me Kishore and Manna Dey still has the upper hand. While the world runs for 50 Shades of Grey for me Bibhutibhushon is my favorite pass time. While the world watches GOT I still love watching Big Bang theory and want a love life like Leonard and Penny. In a time when people can go on talking(nonsense) all day, I hate small talks and most of the time words doesn't even come out at the right place and time. But in my head there the topics ranges from Simulation hypothesis to How the Avengers Infinity wars pave way for future marvel films to free sustainable sources of energy to wtf people talk about with each other throughout the day to to things to speak with a certain person when I meet again!
I wanna end up in Tibet someday gonna leave everything and settle down there. Peaceful pollution free environment in the heart of nature away from Human Civilization. I would like a house up on the Canadian Rockies probably in British Columbia. It would be away from human habitat surrounded by pine forests by side of river Fraser. I am not thinking of becoming Lumberjack though! It can also be a villa in Miami opening up into a lonely beach with no tourists. Just me and sea. A remote village in England (on the banks of Ouse ) or Germany(on the banks of Elbe) can also be taken into account since many of these places truly reveals the seductiveness of nature. One thing is common in all a river or a sea shore is a must and that is the reason why I checked out Switzerland from the list. But then you know life had never been this good. Yes I agree I still have problems(like the trust issues I mentioned earlier) but still I am in a hell lot better state that I was once a year ago. Mental peace matters a lot to me. With it I can conquer the world but without it I am nothing.
We create our own demons and it is upto us to stop them. But they I say,"Why stop there?". There are people who say uncharted and reckless progress is dangerous but I bet none of those Idiots had to live their life with a feeling that they were better of being dead because they aren't use of anything or anyone in the world: a perfect good for nothing and that suicide might be the only way out of this "Daavy Jone's Locker". You see you always get to start up everthing with a clean slate no matter how much messed up you might be. Its all that you have to see what's left for you to take and use it for your own betterment. You might say that sometimes that not possible but mind you my friend, Tony Stark built an Arc Reactor in a cave. Now I have the best sleep I'd had in years. So if I were to wrap this up tight with a tie or bow or whatever. I guess I would say that the time back then, my dillemmas and all the insecurities they were never a distractions or actions to gain sympathy. They were just a cocoon and here I come: The last rat standing.
P.S :One final realization: CBSE has destroyed my writing skills. :-(
Well pre-boards have started and I guess I won't be writing for the next few months now. Still I will try to catch up.
