Chaotic mind..

Have you ever felt that your mind isn't your mind at all? Like someone has put you out of it and placed weird stuffs in it. Yeah.. I am feeling just this right at this moment sitting in my chair. I don't know what this is. Its kinda weird you know because this feeling is filled with contrasting emotions. I don't feel the love that I once had for this world and for those individuals who mattered a hell lot to me yet I don't hate them. Its like I have reached a point in my life where I don't feel things anymore. Its like if people love me? That's great but if they don't I don't cry around screaming why on earth they don't love me, if that is what they want then that's okay. I once talked volumes with people whom I loved and now I don't even want to talk. All that I am doing is lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling thinking what the hell happened to me. People saying ill about me? Great!!! People have mouths and this is a democratic country. People praising me? Well I am not amazed. I am failing in my school exams for the first time and shit doesn't amaze me. Trust me I am not the one I was two months ago and I don't know when such a metamorphosis happened to me. I don't even know myself now I don't know what I want and what I don't. Yeah I am forcing myself to study now because I don't want to fail in the final semester you know. All that I look forward to is that part of the day when the sun has just set down. It won't be dark yet but you won't be able to see the sun in the horizons. It has set long ago. Puffy grey clouds with darker blue background. The moon can't be seen nor the stars. I just sit in the rooftop and look as far as my eyes can look. But the saddest part of the story is this doesn't even last five minutes and even before I know night closes down on me. I see the moon lightening up the entire roof. A movie or a book, a play list with a mixed genre, along with some hilarious YouTube videos tries to make me feel alright but they are not. Things are not alright. No matter how much someone assures me. Until now, I was seeing all my doors are closed and I banged them just hoping someone on the other side would open it. Now I see all the doors are open but I don't have the faith in me left behind to put me up on my feet to choose a road. I stand in this boulevard of broken dreams-a meeting point of all the futures which I once dreamt for me in my life but which I would never see coming true cause I am not moving. I am not taking a choice. I am too broken up for that(don't ask me how I broke. I myself do not have an idea about that one). And so in this Switch Case of life(a Java programmer might understand better) since I am not taking a decision life would throw me into the Default case with a future where my dreams are shattered, heart is broken and I would find myself running for jobs here and there and even if I get one it won't meet up to my family's demands and I would live my life thinking about what ifs and die one day. But that's not what I dreamt of you know. But I don't know how to get out of this.

Utter Confusion

At times you just have to push hard through things. Minds gonna play bitter tricks with you. It will push you and you will be pushed, you will see only what it wants you to see and feel only what it wants you to feel.  But then a time will come when you are confused with your life. You don't know what will be the best for you. You see a boulevard in front of you. Each one leads to an parallel reality. You have to choose any one of the them. But you don't even know which path is the best for you because all the paths seem to achieve any one of the many things that you want in life. A time comes when your back faces the wall, you would have nowhere to go but  the illusions and doubts of minds chocks you down. You have just two choices either fight or succumb to those feelings. Unless you push hard the reality won't surpass the intensity of illusions and reach your eyes. That is the time we realize what and what not is right. Well I must confess I have been impatient. Things didn't make any sense at all. It is like examining an unknown organism. You know exactly what and what not the characteristics should be and then one fine morning you see something anomalous, sometime that is in complete contrast to what you had observed and formulated. But then there can be errors, personal errors, errors in instrument this and that. You scratch your head tear your hairs in despair but you don't understand what went wrong. You feel that it is better to be dead than to live as a failure. You then either give up the research and never come back or you take up something new, something easier. But then I realized that I had a promise to myself, that I won't produce a ripple. I would just sit tight and watch life flow no matter what happens. But I had almost given up and picked up a big chunk of stone to throw into the river. But then reality hit me. It is not my work to understand what is happening around me. My work is to do what I should do and once I am committed to it there is no looking back. You see that underwater cave I was swimming into hoping to find an exit to the surface, it happened like I couldn't swim anymore and my hands had started to ache. So I knew I will die but I stopped my hands. I was drowning down deep into to abyss. But then I realized I have been told to hope for the best. So no matter how hard it hurts I should at least try. I don't want to burn in the inferno thinking that I could have made it. It like the two faces of  the coin. If you love carving of an angel in one face you need to accept if not love the devil on the other. This is called Dualism. Everything in nature exists in pairs, everything we see they all have an contrasting counterpart. Different religions has their own dualism in Chinese they call these two contrasting life forces as Yin and Yang, in Hinduism it is Jara and Jiva that is death or living, Zoroastrianism says about Ahura Mazda(Spirit of light) opposed by Angara Mainyu(Destructive spirit), Christianity has God and Devil. So we need to find the right path. No I haven't found the way yet. The right path yet but as I said in one of my older posts that God is with me and when we are down he will always give us some hint to rise up on our feet, it is up to us that if we have got that eyes to spot the hint or not. I hope to find the way.